Quickies

@rondetto Said

Just bought a humpty dumpty toy from Aldi.
It's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

___

Managed to get hold of a box of counterfeit Mr Kipling Apple tarts.
They're exceedingly good fakes.

___

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels.
As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat.
He sits on a chair by the campfire, grabs a laptop, and hides behind it.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "You mean the one that screwed the lion?"
The lion exclaims, "Oh my god! It’s on YouTube already"

___

The only thing I take seriously in newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.
And even then I take with a pinch of salt.

___

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer's really *** up now."

___

When I was baptised, the vicar wore a fake moustache..it was a blessing in disguise!

___

An advert in the newspaper today says that: The Flat Earth Society welcomes members from around the globe!

___

I have a couple of sock puppets for sale, If anyone wants to take them off my hands.

___

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.

To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "Why don’t you just throw out the pest?"

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, "we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

___

My mate said to me 'Do you like wearing that hi vis jacket all the time?'
I said 'l wouldn't be seen without it!'

___